But is it really???? They. Came. For. Me!!!
Let's cry a little first.
I was minding my own damn business on a Tuesday morning in September. In fact at the time, I was battling a cold. Ya kimataifa. My voice had even disappeared for like a week.
So I got a call from an unknown number but that isn't new. If anything, I thought it's an order for cake.
"Hello"
"Hello, good morning"
"Elizabeth?"
Heh! That was the first red flag. Because for sure only serikali calls me Elizabeth. And my association with serikali is somewhat traumatic... In 2007, my 2 brothers, my mum and the driver got into an accident at Naivasha as we were headed to Nairobi from Kakamega. So when the police arrived at the scene, they took one of our phones and called the last dialled number. It was my other brother who was in Nairobi. So they called him and said "Hello, Samuel?" then broke the news to him.
Anyway, when I heard Elizabeth? I thought "Oh God! What's happened to my folks? Cause they're in Kakamega"
"Elizabeth"
"Yes?"
I'll paraphrase what they said
"We're calling you from Times Towers, we're the guys with the red logo"
I felt a bit relieved, but my knees still went weak.
"Sasa you, you filed vile unataka! You need to come and see us. And btw where is your voice?"
"Oh wow. Okay. My voice is gone, I'm currently unwell"
"Sawa, weh pona, and then we'll tell you when to come see us"
I said sawa. Immediately, I made calls. Kwanza two of my brothers are in tax related fields, so they advised me to ask those guys if I can amend my returns.
I called and asked and they said "Oh hell to the no, you come first... " I thought "oh shit"
I ponad, I called them, but the lady was also unwell, so they said she'll call me when she returns.
Did she ever call me? No. Did I call them back? Of course not. Life moved on, blankets came, October came, life was sweet.
Then I saw on Twitter how starting from next year, it's not going to be easy. Filing for expenses is going to have to be etr supported. Which aki doesn't make sense for my small business. My shopkeeper for eggs doesn't have receipts, etc. Anyway I thought, "ah, these guys with my file even called me prematurely, it's supposed to be starting from next year." Plus compared to kina Keroche, I'm an eighth of an omena. Yaani smallest fish. So I relaxed Kabisa....
Until....
Come last week Friday. Destination? Mass house. Girls wametoa form. How exciting! So we get into the Uber. But the traffic on Ngong Road is insane cause of the construction. We're stuck on the road... So we decide to take bodas to the destination, tumevaa err jackets so we'll pambana with the cold.
Kwanza this made me so excited cause it was just a representation of peak sherehe. Yaani we've even taken a boda to get there! It was nostalgic for me cause for the past year or two, we've mostly been chilling in the house. So to take a boda to the bash? Heh! Gyal we a party animals.
We get to mass house nicely. It's ticket time. Where's my ticket? In my Yahoo mail. Do I ever check my Yahoo? Never. What email did I use to register my tax account? Yahoo. So imagine my shock as I scroll for my ticket, only to find an email from them. Now that, that was BONGE LA SURPRISE.
Paraphrased;
"Elizabeth!!! First, you filed vile ulitaka, then, we called you and you said you'd come. Did you even bother to come? No. Yaani and you didn't even call us. In short, unalenga serikali na hushtuki? Because of all that, here's your penalty and you have to honor it by 5th December!"
Jesu Kristu! I almost sat on the floor of that Mass House. Mind you, you can imagine how the vibe at the entrance is high. So my friends were like "ni nini? Kwani you haven't found your ticket?" I told them it's even worse. Showed them the email. They said "don't worry, you'll go talk to them. It's not as crazy as they've written". I forwarded the email to my friend who knows people, she said the same thing. So I said sawa, I'll compartmentalize it and deal with it come Monday.
TikTok reference: My friends were like 'You must stand up Ndlovu, stand up! Stand with one leg'
Yaani, I was vibing for one minute, then the next minute I see the color red all over. Mind you the party was an all-black affair. I was vibing one minute, the next minute, wine inaonja krest bitter lemon. Heh! But I wasn't going to bring the mood down....
The weekend was lovely, I was out of Nairobi. All good things must come to an end. Weekend ended.
I went to see them at the start of the week. But before I did, on my playlist, I queued JayZ, Tupac, Biggie, JHus and Dave. I also said a prayer before I stepped in. Let's just say we spoke and I apologized. But as far as 'Tis the season!' They said "Weh uliskia wapi? Lipa ushuru kwanza"
Damn...
There's no moral to this story...
