Journal Entry (but a public one)

I've woken up well but I'm not in the mood today.

The morning has come too fast and my sleep has only come 3 hours ago, but I need to be awake. I have work to do and a baking class to teach. I'm in my late 20's and I'm feeling it, which basically means I'm feeling like I've under achieved, career wise, and my heart and chest are full of anxiety. Of course, today is the day I'll remember every embarrassing thing I've ever done or hurtful things I've ever done to others, which will make me feel even ten times worse. 

I need to get out of this funk because my class starts soon and I need to show up for my student. 

Today, I'm not a patient sister:

Before my student arrives, I will tell Steve in a very assertive tone "Steve, when Suzie* gets here, please don't come into the kitchen ovyo ovyo. Please give us space." 

When Suzie arrives, Steve will come in the kitchen ovyo ovyo and it will be evident that I'm not amused by this, so I'll keep saying "Steve, please excuse us". He will, but for all of five minutes, then he'll be back in the kitchen with his many stories. At one point, I'm talking to Suzie about sponge cakes and Steve runs to the sink and comes with a kitchen sponge, to show her an example of a sponge. Today, I'm not in the mood, so I tell him again, "Steve, please excuse us, I'll call you if we need you." 

Next week, when my mood will be much lighter, Steve will come in the kitchen and tell Suzie that she's a beautiful queen and this will make me laugh for a long time. Even as I'm writing this, it's making me smile. Because where did he learn how to compliment like that? Is he now hanging out with Rastafaris cause they're the ones who compliment like that. Them and some Black Americans. I'll be honest though, I'm not a fan of the queen word used as a compliment to me, but the compliment wasn't to me, it was to Suzie. She laughs and thanks Steve. 

I really like Suzie's personality. First, she's Gen Z. You guys know how I feel about most Gen Z's. I love them, because they're what I wasn't in my early 20's. I wasn't as confident, I wasn't as free in saying what was in my mind. I was always thinking about how what I'll say will affect others, even when it's got nothing to do with them. Just now, at 29, I'm still learning how to speak up in a Salon. Yesterday, I did it twice. I stammered the second time. I told her 'usishuke hizi za mbele' in short, don't grab my poor baby hairs when braiding. By the third time when I realized she still was getting something wrong, I lengad. A Gen Z would never, and I can only aspire. 

Apart from Suzie being Gen Z, she is also funny and honest, and she understands all my TikTok references. For instance, when I say "I'll keep my ting brief", do you guys understand what I'm talking about? Shourourt to you if you do, you can come to our next baking class. She's also very accommodative of Steve, Suzie i.e and that tugs at the strings of my heart in a major way. 

***

(I see Biko use those asterisks in his blogs so nimefanya ku copy lol) 

When I wrote the first paragraph, it was exactly three days before my monthly period. Dark times, dark thoughts. Now, many days later, I'm feeling positive again. Feeling like God is with me and He'll always help me navigate each stage of my life. So I'm a lot less anxious and looking forward to my 30's...

I've really missed you guys, hope you're all well :)