Did the heartbreak really go away?

One day, you catch yourself at 1:42 pm thinking "Oh shit, I haven't thought about that guy" so you go and take a seat to wallow in the sadness that you're so used to trailing the thoughts of the two of you. Before your tush touches the chair, you get a phonecall, it's your mum. She's calling to tell you about how she's going to use her new oven to grill fish, how the banana bread she baked this time was better than the one she did last time. Towards the end of the phonecall, she mentions how she's taken up too many roles, you feel deeply sorry for her. 

While on that call, you receive a WhatsApp message. 'Hey, is it too late to order a 2kg cake for tomorrow?' As you tell mum good-bye, you also reply to the message. And get to work immediately. You mostly work with either a podcast or music on. 

Then as you wait for the cakes to bake, you log in on TikTok, then Instagram, then Twitter (never X). Before you know it, it's 7:12 pm, time to whip up something quick for dinner, or just order in? Hmmm.... Later while in bed, you decide to watch something on YouTube. That's what you'll fall asleep to. You forgot to be sad about that guy.

The next time you think about him and the times you had, you're in an Uber listening to a newly released EP in your headphones. You pass the area around where he lives (between his interview you pass around lol). You're headed to meet your friends. Not at his, at a different location. Before you can even remember the time you guys headed back to his place and listened to good music the entire afternoon, your friend calls you to ask how far you are. You check Maps, "I'm two  minutes away, has everyone gotten there?" A lie because in reality, you're six minutes away but who's counting? You reply to one Whatsapp message, and laugh at the crazy reels sent by crazy friends on IG. In no time, ( okay six minutes) you have arrived at your destination. 

"Naona uko na discount kubwa madam. Imekuja 360/= si u round off" 

You feel like you've spent so much money already that day. Buying business stock, forgetting an item so having to pay delivery fees twice, paying bills, buying a face serum, paying tu debts, the ones that you told a friend 'just pay for everything then I'll Mpesa you'. They usually add up. You were recently added in a WhatsApp group where you have to contribute for a cause. Then you think of the money you're going to spend later in the night, you feel the money moods start to attack you. Plus the Uber guy was a bit rude when you got in the car, so you just tell him. 

"Heh, mwezi iko corner. Next time ntakuongezea" 

Then follows his disgruntlement, but it is what it is. 

You meet up with your people. You have a lovely weekend. 

You still haven't thought about him...

The next time you hear a song that he introduced you to, you're apathetic to the feelings around it. It's just a nice song.  And like that, the heartbreak is gone gone gone.....

That's how I've felt being away from writing. The first few weeks of me not being able to form a story that I deemed interesting, felt disheartening. I told myself, 'nyota yangu ni kama imezima' A heartbreak that was. Do you know what triggered it? Okay I'll tell you. I applied for a  writing thing in some magazine. What followed was me refreshing my email constantly....  Insert a Whitney Houston image here because I got nothing, nothiing nothiiiing. Not even a regret email. It felt like I was one of those guys who just send a "Hey" to a dm. Never worth a reply.Then later, they announced the guys who'd gotten the slots on their Instagram account. So I thought "ah, why bother?" 

I'm a millennial, us guys are people for instant gratification. I know I'm supposed to keep applying, but like I said, I'm a millennial haha. The discipline for writing weekly went out the window and out the gate. Plus I haven't been to therapy in a while so self-doubt is a thing. 

After a while, I stopped feeling bad about not being able to write. I simply felt nothing...

Two months ago, the guilt came back. The -not emptiness, that's too dramatic, but something close to that- I feel from not creating in that way has been mauling me.  I feel it in my upper abdomen, and it's not hunger for food. The heartbreak I thought was gone, but it turns out it was just suppressed feelings. The heartbreak from that guy is gone though, I promise. 

Lately, some people have been asking me why I stopped writing so I guess here goes why.

The truth is, I'll always care. So I'll try this again. 

Let's see if we'll be disciplined enough for 1 story a month now that Arsenal didn't win the league and it's time to focus on my real life. Oh men! 

Also, I'd missed you guys... 

Gwaheri... Xx