The plan wasn’t to go to Arboretum, but when I got there,
the plan was to read. This past Sunday, it being mother’s day, I was meant to
go to City Market in the afternoon and get flowers from Ken, my plug, then we’d
be presenting them to Ma after the family dinner that night. It was about 2:00
pm and the weather was beautiful so on my way to City Market, I decided to take
a detour to Arboretum, be in my introverted bag, chill and read the book that I
currently carry with me everywhere, ‘Will’. From the entrance, the way I
started people-watching, that should have been my first red flag that I wasn’t
going to read sh..
I got there, found a bench, ate my fries and pizza slice and
started taking pics, texting how I’ve come to read. I read only 1 paragraph
after that. Then I looked around and started observing couples. I have this
thing where I unfairly judge couples who don’t touch. My love language is
silly, followed closely by touch, so I project that on other people. If I don’t
see them holding each other, it’s not real. If I’d never seen Obama and
Michelle dance wakikumbatiana, it would’ve all been a lie to me. It’s nonsense,
I know. Anyway, I started counting the couples, three out of the nine were in
love (according to my umbwakni metric) then I didn’t read. I noticed the shoes
I’d worn had some wear and tear, so I texted my friend - who got them for me as
a birthday present- a photo and told him to prepare my next birthday present, I’d
be needing (not wanting) the exact type of shoe. We engaged kidogo, I didn’t
read. Haiya, then I tried to video call another friend of mine, who’s not in
the country, just to show him how beautiful the weather was and how I’d come to
read, he didn’t pick, I didn’t read.
From the time I got there at 2 something to 4:39 p.m. , I
only read a maximum of 2 pages. I was distracted the entire time, but I mostly
blame some SDA peeps who were I think recording a choir music video. It was so loud
yo, I was praying that the song didn’t stick in my head and start playing at
night as I was trying to fall asleep. Thankfully, it didn’t. As I left the
park, (do we call them that over here? Oh, Uhuru Park. Anywayz) I had one
question, where were the monkeys? That whole time, I hadn’t see any. I
concluded that considering the weather, they’d gone for brunch or swimming.
Typical Nai behavior. Ama they’d gone out of town, to Lamu or Watamu, to
take IG pics at those nets at Lichthaus. Some of them had taken M-shwari loans
to join them. I’ve been to Arboretum many times, and the monkeys there have
never given me grief. They’re well-adjusted and know all about diversity,
inclusion and equity. Sasa I imagine the Karura ones to be super woke, those
ones even do psyches hehe.
And then, there’s the vienyeji monkeys, the National Park
ones. The ones who don’t give a sh.. about anything, or any one and those,
baboons included, are bad news. How do I know? I’ve had first-hand experience
with one of them. This one time after Uni, I was an intern there at KWS. I
thought that the animals I should fear most are the roaming warthogs, I thought
wrong. Ata hazina ubaya na watu. As I got introduced around as the new girl,
(hate those moments) everyone kept warning me about the baboons. “Hi new girl,
be careful with the baboons, don’t carry food ovyo ovyo and if you can, make
sure you walk around with a man” I thought ai, si it’s 2015, kwani they don’t
know about gender equality? The baboons i.e. They don’t. Or even if they do,
hawajali.
So this one time I’m chilling in the office solo, doing what
interns do best, playing candy crush. Okay, not all interns, but that’s what I
mostly did there. So I’m trying to find a color bomb then behind me, I hear
heavy footsteps, and can smell something strong and pungent, worse than jasho
sugu. From the sound of those steps and the heavy breathing, I immediately knew
it was a baboon. I was alone in the office with a kienyeji! Swiftly, it jumped
on the table on my opposite side, mimi I jumped on my chair and screamed. My
scream didn’t scare it. Damn… Then I tried to shoo it but I was scared of
extending my arm because I’d heard of how they’d grab ladies’ arms and slap
them haha. It’s not funny but it is. I also contemplated on doing that God’s
must be crazy thing with my index fingers but I was scared that it would
trigger big guy over here. All this while, I’m wondering why the recce squad
hasn’t come in to rescue me. I just continue shouting shoo! Shoo! While this
thing stares at me so unmoved. It simply looked at me, checked under my desk to
see if I’d stashed some Ugali and Kuku there, I hadn’t. I was an intern lol. Then,
very slowly, without attacking me, walked out of the office. I didn’t know
whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, that I had no food, I thought ah sh…
he’s mad at me so he’s gone to plan his revenge. So I quit the internship haha.
Immediately he left, with his stench still strong in the
room, that’s when ladies from other offices came saying “we heard you scream
and knew it was a baboon but we couldn’t come because it would attack us and
there was no man in sight” Haha. Kumbe the screaming is normal huko as I later
came to realize. There was no need for me feeling that I disrupted the office
block with my screaming and shooing. It’s a daily occurrence, they attack women
for food those baboons. After God, they only fear men hehe. So nowadays, when I see baboons, I just get
anxiety, thinking that that 2015 kienyeji is still looking for me, ready to
revenge. Heh.
I have a proposal, we start an NGO where we provide therapy and awareness to these male primates, we teach them on being gentlemen, that nowadays, people
don’t choose violence. We tell them how they don’t want to be labelled as chauvinists or be known for toxic masculinity.
That in this era, we talk and negotiate and sometimes guys receive texts like “I
just think it’s funny how…..” or “how do I say this….” Or sometimes, we, both
genders, just become passive aggressive and engage in protest behavior like
silent treatment, but never violence especially because of food. Then Lang’ata
people can pay us extra for us to teach these animals house rules cause of the absolute messes
they usually leave in their kitchens on the days they accidentally leave their windows open. Then tuomoke, like Sonko lol.
Ama for that we just need to become suppliers for the Karura
monkeys? Monkey business. Hmmm…
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