Tough, but also soft

There was a time I was obsessed with wanting to be a a girly girl.

But, I grew up with 4 brothers.

At some point in time, we even had houseboys, plus my mum would travel a lot for work. So for many times, it was just me and the boys, my dad included. Testosterone part raised me and watched me grow. I looked up to my brothers and wanted to do the things they did, and be strong like them. They used to have so much fun and adventures. I learned how to ride a bicycle from them, I remember being among the 1st in my class to know how to balance on the wheels. Even though I always lost, I was always down to compete in a game of arm wrestling, just so that I was on the strength metric. Till today, if you challenge me to arm wrestling, I'll accept it. We watched wrestling together, played Super Mario on the Nintendo, played bano, played mchongoano and we sometimes physically fought when we disagreed. We used to do our homework in the car on our way to school in the morning haha.

We had fun. My childhood was adventurous and I was competitive with the boys or at least tried to be.  Their friends were my friends. I remember one time for my birthday, asking my mum to pay for me ligi-ndogo membership just so that I could be better at football than the boys in my estate. I was going to blind side them, they wouldn't see it coming. She didn't pay for it, she just read through my b.s. Plus also, who would drop and pick me? Parents those days were so bisi, ain't nobody got time for dat.

In our photo albums, there are a number of photos of me wearing what's considered an entire boys' outfit. A loose fitting shirt, buttoned to the top, baggy pants and chunky sports shoes. When I asked my mum why, she said sometimes the housie would ask what to dress me in, and she'd just tell them "mvalishe za brother yake" and it would make me happy.

Fast forward, to upper primary, I started liking boys, being attracted to them. I realized however that most of the boys were attracted to girls that were different from me. They liked the girly girls. The ones who had nice, long and permed hair in pussycat ponytails, tied with pink ribbons. The ones whose sweaters smelled of sta-soft and their socks were always bright-white and fitting. Their black toughees, always shiny. They carried pink bags and pink pouches and were so organized. Their books didn't have dog ears, or stains from leaked cocopine juice or worse, Quencher's strawberry juice. So I went on a mission, to try and be like them. I was also curious how it felt to be extremely feminine.

I started observing my mum more, she wasn't much of a girly girl either, (only girl with 6 brothers) but she had a dressing mirror and would wear lipstick, plus she was/is beautiful with glowing skin. She also used to shower with a different soap from ours, I remember it was called Palmolive. So when I could, I'd sneak and shower with that soap. Then, I asked to have my hair permed, but mum was hesitant. I started protesting hand-me-downs from my brothers, their sweaters, their P.E shorts, their casual shirts. I wanted more dresses and hipster jeans suits (gosh)  and on Sundays, would request to have lipstick on. To this, she agreed. We also had a lady cousin living with us at a time and I would steal her tu things here and there. Sorry cuzo.

When in school, I gradually started hanging out more with the girls, and copying their tendencies. I even remember pretending to fear insects when they'd appear in class, while deep down, I didn't. But this was a new me. I was becoming. I started playing less bano and going on less bike adventures in the estate. All this while, I remember being aware of how dresses were uncomfortable for me and I found kati boring. I still envied how the boys played rough, but I had a mission and I would stick to it.

One time, in class 5 or 6, I spent the whole night tonging my hair, I had a ciriaz crush. Because I didn't know any better, I slept in a shower cap ati to protect the hair. Ladies, imagine my disappointment the following morning. Tears. That crush never ended up liking me back, but the boys that eventually liked me, did so just based on who I was (not who I was trying to be) plus their raging hormones. Lol

It's truly when I started to grow boobs that I grew out of wanting to be exactly like the boys. Playing rough would now physically hurt. Then, I also got my period and boys didn't know much about that, plus then, we were conditioned to believe that if boys knew you were on your period, they would collapse and die. 

I grew up, then I settled into being comfortable with womanhood while still embracing the male influence I had in my younger years. Nowadays I don't pretend to fear tu insects. Even spiders. I just throw a slipper, it's all about aiming, or I smash them with a paper towel. They're just disgusting, not scary. Can never be tsiswa though, those, we eat. 

Here's some things though, that till today, remind me that I grew up with the mandem:

Food 

I'm those babes who can easily finish everything on my plate. Hakuna kubakisha. Pizza? Tuatapelekana. This is because in our house, there was nothing like saving some food for later, you'll find it eaten by one of the boys. But I've learnt about portion control, I guess. Also, I found a nice hiding spot in the fridge.

Verbal Expressions

We intrinsically know we have each other and that we love each other more than words can express, so we take it literally and barely express that love in words. That's influenced how I relate with guys, even in a romantic set-up. It's only till recently that I stopped using the word bro as a flirt word. 

Banter 

I get along with both boys and girls alright. My closest friend group is of girlies. Although when it comes to initial conversations with people, I gravitate towards guys. I appreciate their careless humor and banter. I listen to male podcasts for that. 

This one time, juzi tu, we (girls and boys) were  playing this game for 'Verbal Expressions'. The question read 'how best do you express self-love?' You can imagine to what extent the boys took it, not being serious at all. I really laughed. 

Shoes

My favorite shoe category are still sneakers, I love the comfort and functionality. I'll still wear heels and sandals, but my go to is sneakers. (My birthday is December 29th, I'll send the delivery address as the day approaches) 

Salon

I hate being in the salon. My brothers would go on bike adventures and I'd be stuck in the salon being braided all day. To date, if any hairstyle or mani/pedi takes more than one and a half hours, I'm not getting it. But that could also be a function of my impatience.

Adventure

One of my bros rode a Motorcycle for a while, in our adulthood. I was excited and ready to learn but he got an accident and sold it soon after. Otherwise I'd be a biker babe. I enjoy boda rides. I want to own a quad bike one day but where will I ride it constantly? In Naivasha, ama Kakamega? 

I still seek adventure. In one way or the other. 

I'm happy with how I've turned out to be. I'm tough, but also soft. What wonderful brothers that God gave without measure. Shout out to each and every one of them. I love you all, more than words can express.